Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think my moral compass just broke
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
