I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
