i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
