what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
