Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
