the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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