i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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