I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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