Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
