we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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