just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
