I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
