My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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