she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
