I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
