the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
