So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
