I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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