Just fell off a train. Bad.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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