i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
