Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
