today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
