Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
