No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
