i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
