Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
