can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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