how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
