Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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