Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
