I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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