I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
