SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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