Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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