Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
