Sponge bath it is.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
