How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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