I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
