Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
