I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
