Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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