ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
