; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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