Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
