Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
