When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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