I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
