just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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