I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
