Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
